This post is extremely personal and I’ve went back and forth about writing it, but how can I grow emotionally if I don’t acknowledge things that used to make me uncomfortable? So, here’s a Real Dose of Jay.
I’ve had my heart-broken twice and each time hurt a little different. It wasn’t until this most recent heartbreak that I fell and felt empty, unmotivated, and broken.
No it wasn’t the person who made me feel this way, it was the release of emotions that I buried long before I met them. I didn’t know how to deal with it, because I had convinced myself for so long that I was “okay”, When I honestly had no will to do the things I used to do. I didn’t like the way I was feeling, because I never wanted to get to a place where I suppressed my creative spirit. I had a lot of people in my inner circle some of them encouraged and uplifted me while others; Well we all know how people’s true colors start to show when your going through something.
Now, I never was the type to express my problems (I never had any truthfully). I was always the shoulder to cry on or the “therapist” amongst my group of friends. So, when it was my turn to cry on a shoulder, the ones I thought I was close with showed their true character. Rather than getting upset, I decided to be my own friend. Without warning I removed those individuals and starting being selfish. Selfish with my energy, advice, love, time, friendship everything.
I had reached a point where I could no longer give, I was depressed, I gave up dancing, poetry, writing,and art because I was suffering from serious anxiety, and I didn’t want to look to drugs (prescription drugs) or another human being for temporary comfort. There were days at a time where I didn’t move, eat, talk or sleep I just cried for hours, until one day I couldn’t physically cry anymore. If you’re my friend reading this, then you’re probably saying “why didn’t you come to me? I’m always here for you” I’m sure you are but I had to learn how to be there for myself.
I had to understand what I was going through emotionally, the things that I used to do for others, I must do for myself as well. As I’m sharing this with you guys, I want you all to know that I’m fine and I’m getting back into my creative head space. I found a way to balance being selfish and selfless, I have complete control over my emotions. I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, I wouldn’t say I’m no longer depressed (depression can comeback at anytime I pray no time soon) but I can say that I am 100% happy and damn proud of myself. I’m sharing this because, there may be someone out there that can relate to my feelings and knowing that I kept going may help them to keep going as well.
Emotional stability is so important to me now, it’s okay to not be “okay” all the time; But it’s not okay to lie to yourself about how you’re truly feeling inside. Hopefully this answers your questions if you want to know anything else just email me at Dosesofjay@gmail.com and I’ll be glad to answer.