Twenty-Four

I asked myself what do I want to accomplish with 24?

I turned 24 almost a month ago and I’ve had plenty of time to think about the things I want to accomplish as a bright semi young (I feel 98) individual.

I don’t have any goals or expectations for 24, honestly I just want to work smarter not harder and amaze myself. I realize that at 23 my expectations were extremely high, while that is wonderful it was also horrible because I would beat myself up because I wasn’t where I thought I should be in a short time frame. I ended up simultaneously living my best and worst life.

I would have highs that made me feel invincible, I was ready to conquer the world with Bentley (My puppy), then in the same breath my whole life was in shambles, I left no room for errors, flukes, hiccups, speed bumps, crisscross none of that. I felt like well damn everyone in my circle is seemingly doing well and I’m stuck here feel like “What are you doing?” Not that I wasn’t excited for them because wholeheartedly I was/am, it was just my own expectations not coming together like I planned.

I know that life is unplanned and that in the end everything will work out the way that it should, I’m totally embracing the fact that 23 was some BULL okay so I’m wrapping it up and moving forward. Literally everyday I tell someone “it’ll all work itself off” in regards to their lives and I think to myself, why don’t you follow your own advice?

I will, I am, 24 I have loose plans with plenty of room for said plans to be cancelled or altered, I’m done stressing myself emotionally and mentally over where I think I should be. Realistically I’m where I need to be right here right now and that’s perfectly fine, I’ll continue to see the good in the “failures”, strive to be better and do better than I did the day before.

I still have goals I want to accomplish in life but I’m not going to cramp them all into one year because who really knows what life will throw at you? Good or bad ( I’m here to receive all the positive extra blessings I had no idea about but Jesus sees fit to place them in my life! Amen, Satan you can get tf on somewhere with the negative uncertainty)

I hope to inspire someone to continue on their journey and trust the moves that you make and that also the moves you didn’t intentionally make that put you in a better position for greatness.

Live your best life how you see fit and prosper, Time cannot be created or destroyed because it’s continuous, you have nothing but time to fulfill your dreams!

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Emotionally Over It

Have you ever been in a situation where someone joked about a sensitive subject with you, like not some random person, but someone who know how things effect you.

These type of people honestly irritate me because they’re destructive to the healing process, when you know better you do better and by being in my space that means you know better. It’s like knowing someone is allergic to a food and you bring the food around, they have an allergic reaction and you say “oh my bad I knew you couldn’t eat it I feel bad now”. No you don’t

I can’t offer any real advice on how to deal with these people because I’m still trying to figure out myself and I hardly ever accept apologies, especially when I know that you knew better and you’re only “sorry” because you didn’t “think” I’d react a certain way. However, what I will say it try not to lash out, definitely internalize how you feel in the moment because your feelings and thoughts are important! If you still want those person in your life then dictate how much they’re apart of your life, if you feel the need to create distance do that.

Healing is about you and nobody else, even those you choose to share intimate details of your healing with, they’re there for you and your process. If you have to say look I’m emotionally over dealing with you on a level of sharing something with a deep impact on my life, say that verbalize everything that makes you emotionally uncomfortable.

Don’t walk on eggshells for no one but don’t go around making people feel like crap either, find a healthy balance between expressing how you feel and not tolerating total bull from people making a joke about whatever you’re going through. We’re all trying to figure ourselves out and fulfill our destinies in the universe. I appreciate those who I confide in, you all genuinely make a conscious effort to understand and that’s amazing.

Unravel Me

This was originally going to be a poem, the more I thought about the subject I felt it [My Thoughts] expanding.

If you go through something that shakes you, made you lose yourself or made you realize that you didn’t even know who you were to begin with…. what do you do?

As you ponder on that, for me I go into self-preservation. I need to protect the parts of myself that are unscathed, while also repairing and planting the seeds (lessons) from that experience so I can water myself and grow. There is no time limit on growth or healing, though I find myself wonder when is it okay to be unraveled by someone?

Not to be confused with dismantled, but unraveled like a ball of yarn that’s being knitted into a new fabric the combining of two entities into one (if this metaphor makes sense to you leave a comment). This is just a recurring thought, I think it’s possible to protect and maintain yourself peace while being unraveled, that doesn’t mean go out and let just anyone see who you are and how far you’ve came Everyone doesn’t deserve that.

For my people with walls up, your walls are fine they should come down when you’re ready and anybody who constantly speaks ill about them are they really worth the stress? With that said if someone is genuinely interested in crashing those walls to build a better universe with you, lighten up of course you’ll know because you can always feel genuine energy around you.

Stay away from individuals that use your “flaws”, “fears”, “uncertainties” etc. against you, like Maya Angelou said, “ Each one of us has lived through some devastation, some loneliness, some weather superstorm or spiritual superstorm, when we look at each other we must say, I understand. I understand how you feel because I have been there myself. We must support each other and empathize with each other because each of us is more alike than we are unlike.”

You’re Scared Beautifully

In light of World Mental Health Day, I want to share this message that still feels so pure in my heart.

I’m not a very religious person anymore, although I hold my Baptist upbringing near a dear to my heart, I’ve become more spiritual on my journey of Self-Discovery and Self-Love. So naturally it’s been a while since I’ve sat in a church to hear a sermon, well I went for the first time in years and the message was: The scars that we have are beautiful and we should share them. Scars being hardships that we’ve been through be it heartbreak, parental issues, career success and failure etc.

Society often makes us think that sharing our scars is a bad thing to do, they want us to get over it and move on with acknowledging what happens. This isn’t smart and honestly you shouldn’t listen to what society thinks you should and shouldn’t share with people, because your story could give someone else hope. I understand that being selective about who you share with and how much you share is also important, we need the keep some things sacred and protect the things that mean the most, however if you’ve gotten through something that has altered your life and gave you a new perspective or a rebirth why wouldn’t you want to share that?

Anyone who makes you feel as if the traumatic or life changing experiences in your life aren’t that deep or are horrible and you shouldn’t speak on them…. they’re a shitty person period. Leave those people alone and share your light, journey and lessons with people who are willing to listen and understand what you’ve been through. Talking/sharing is an important part of the healing process and personally the biggest part of my journey. Each time I share what I’ve experienced through life I learn something new about myself that I couldn’t see before and that’s beautiful!

I want everyone who reads this to be able to relate and one day when you’re ready to share your scars because they’re beautiful, you’re beautiful.

you’re not dramatic,
you’re not worthless,
you’re not crazy,
You’re not exaggerating,
You’re not talking too much you’re just talking to the wrong people.

You are strong
You are gold
You are capable
You are resilient
You are loved
Your feeling matter
You matter
Your mental health matter
Your emotional well-being matter
You are a King
You are a Queen
You are Are NOT ALONE
It’s okay to not be okay
It’s okay to ask for help

Never lose yourself, trying to prove or hide the real you in a world full of “self”.

God is real

Yesterday rather than have a breakdown, I had a break through. I’ve been battling with a few things for a while now and it’s cause me to shut down completely. I’ve tried in the best way I knew how, to ask for someone to listen and help because I felt myself sinking but unfortunately I broke down.

My two amazing friends did the best they could, and anyone I talked to in between those two I changed the topic of conversation. I began to with in my journal daily asking the universe and God specifically for clarity, guidance, strength and reassurance, and yesterday I received just that in the most purest form! It was totally unexpected and I was damn near defeated inside. I am so grateful for receiving the very thing I needed, the person I had the conversation with and the conversation itself.

I won’t go into specifics about what I’m experiencing, I will say that I don’t like sudden change that I don’t see coming or anything that will negatively disrupt my routine. I have a hard time coming to terms with what was possibly not being that anymore if that makes sense. Sudden change that I never expect affects me deeply, even if it looks like I’m cool and together on the out, I’m falling apart inside and it’s something that I’m working on but you can only work on so much by yourself.

Yesterday I thought about quitting blogging all together, shutting down Doses of Jay, Quitting CampusLately and deleting everything, it’s still a thought just not as strong. My blog was the very thing that helped me grow and come to terms with a lot that I suppressed years ago. I’m not sure what I’ll actually do yet but for now I’m here blogging sharing my experiences hopeful that I can catch whoever’s reading this before you fall.

As my mind begins to drift from this topic, I want you all to know that God or whatever you believe in is real! I asked for clarity/ guidance everyday on my situation and state of mind and I received it in the best way possible. If you’re going through something write down what you’re going through and ask for what you need to help you get through it and be open to receiving it! You could be surprised at how you received your answer and from whom the universe decided to give that answer to you.

I’m going to leave you with a verse I received. Joshua 14:23 “…I know with all of my heart and all of my soul, not one thing has failed, of all the good things God has promised concerning me for all have come to pass.”

 

P.S. if you’re from Snapchat I’m okay I just had a mini breakthrough, I’m not 100% but I will be.

Comforting: Anxiety Filled Depressive Episodes

Mental health is very important and should be taken seriously. Especially with millennials today, it’s so much pressure to be someone who impacts the world in a positive manner. The pressure can be from society and also from ourselves, in my opinion everyone is nervous or anxious about what they’re doing and if what they’re doing is what they should do in order to reach the next level (the level/goals you set for yourself). Some people can snap out of the depressive feeling quicker than most, for those who can not it’s important that the people around them know how to comfort them.

You should not tell some who’s experiencing an anxiety filled depressive episode any of the follow:
• This too shall pass
• Just Pray about it (it’s not as help as people assume)
• Assume
• Make it about you and what you’ve done
• offer an unsolicited opinion
• Pressure them to “Calm Down”
• Force them to interact with other people (let’s go out you’ll feel better, this can actually be damaging)
• See they’re going through something but not acknowledge the change in behavior
• Laughing it off
• “You’re just being dramatic”
• “It’s not that deep”

None of these things are comforting in the slightest way, and could add negatively to whatever the person is already feeling. Personally I do experience anxiety filled depressive episodes, it can be damaging to talk to someone who doesn’t understand how to comfort in these situations but instead of getting upset with these people I choose to educate them, if you know better you’ll do better.

Some of the things that you can do:
• Create a save environment where the person feels comfortable discussing things that bothers them without judgement.
– I’m a Queen Ambassador for http://instagram.com/destinyfulfilledincorped and There is currently a Queen Tour that provides this platform 💕 coming to a city near you.

• Turn them to helpful blogs /Articles (I.e https://dosesofjay.wordpress.com/
• “I’m here if you need someone to talk to”
• Be Reassuring
• Be Encouraging
• Listen to Understand
• Just be there, knowing that they can call on you whenever could honestly just be enough
• Allow them to speak to you when they’re ready
• Allow them to openly talk about their feelings
• Buy them a Journal
• If they want to go to therapy ask to join them
• Be Supportive
• If you notice they’re being more reserved than usual check in on them

The smallest gestures can help so much more than a quick “pray about it” or not acknowledging it at all. Check on your friends especially the ones who have yet to find a way to cop with they’re issues, you may think they’re turning up every weekend because they want to be lit, when their lives could be spinning out of control and they’re not telling you how they feel because you aren’t comforting. Think about it, please check on some you never know what someone is dealing with.

 

Wild Thoughts (Literally)

I just recently wrote a letter to myself, in the letter I have about 40 unanswered questions, I’m not sure when I will open or if I should attach my current answers and compare the differences between my answers whenever I decide to open said letter. I’m debating if I should keep the letter on one of many Zip drives or just email it to myself, I’m thinking Zip drive because my OCD will not allow me to have an unopened email for more than a day.

I think right now I’m in a head space of reflection, I have questions brewing everyday, questions about my childhood, past relationship be it romantic or platonic, current relationship, friendship etc. the crazy thing is I feel as though I’m not at liberty to answer any of these questions because I don’t know what they mean/ what they’ll do for me. I’m detached from certain elements of myself and I’m not sure if the detachment is making room for growth of if I’m silently losing my mind.

I do notice no one really asks me what’s going on with the thoughts in my head, that’s why I don’t share them unless it’s on this platform and even then its only was on the surface at the moment; however, I continue to ask people if they’re okay or need to discuss something that’s on their minds because if left to your own thoughts for too long they can become destructive trust me I know. This is not to say I want someone to ask me now that they read this or what have you, I’m stating that at this moment in my life I’m being more observant than usual which isn’t an issue for me. I’m taking notice of small things that irritate me, make me laugh and smile, upset me or have me feeling indifferent.

This post is mainly for me to keep track of my thoughts because I’m too lazy to find my journal to keep this a private record, then I thought to myself that’s selfish someone somewhere might have similar thoughts as me, so what can I say to them that I in turn need to hear as well.

The answer is simple, There are no mistakes in life. You feel the way you do, struggle the way you do, prosper the way you do, think the way you do for a reason, it’s apart of your life’s purpose and I have to trust that it’ll all make sense and come together even if I don’t see it right now. So to you in the world if you feel like nothing makes sense right now, that in itself makes sense. I encourage everyone to write themselves a letter or write down questions and see where your mind takes you, you’ll be surprised by what it comes up with and if you feel like sharing you know where to email me.

-Jay

Troll Hunter

Written about me and I think is phenomenal and very realistic!, Thank you Shae

It was 3am and all she could do was stare at the ceiling. She gave up trying to sleep at 2am when it was clear sleep wasn’t in her immediate future. All she could think about was how her day unfolded in such an unlikely manner. The internet isn’t typically a kind place when it comes to comment sections but today was different. The collection of vile that had gather below her most recent story was rarely seen outside of a Republican National Convention. You would have thought she praised satan the way they reacted. She didn’t get into journalism to deal with an out of control comment section and that’s what she ultimately spent most of her time doing. Her complaints to her editor always fell on deaf ears. Any time she complained he would simply respond “I get how annoying they are Jay but those angry people in…

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Overthinking at 1:23 AM

 

Anxiety successfully consumed my mind.

I want to talk about it but I don’t want to come off needy… I don’t need anything from anybody.
I don’t want to make anyone feel obligated to hear me rambling trying to scramble my thoughts together, that’s what it is 1,000 thoughts swarming in my brain consuming my mind creating an overwhelming leery feeling.

So what do I do? I don’t know. If the answer was that simple I wouldn’t be here shedding Denzel tears. I can’t dwell or I’ll sink into a mini depressed state and that draining, I don’t like being/feeling anything other than positive. I need to isolate and recharge, I’ve been putting out a lot of positive energy lately and I need that back.

I hate discussing anxiety episodes because it’s “oh yeah I felt like that but you need to do this” bitch if it was that ease I wouldn’t feel like this, did you ever consider that? I did not ask for your advice. Asking me multiple questions during an episode irritates me because if I knew in this moment I would tell you… offer reassurance not your opinion

It’s shocking seeing as I always have an answer for something, thinking multiple scenarios with multiple outcomes some greater than the other, all the while know that the lesser is more realistic. Acknowledging what it is from what you want it to be, my brain never sleeps I’m constantly thinking, constantly helping /shedding light on someone else’s situation, while keeping my life in the back of my mind. It gets draining I’m not going to lie, will writing this help me? Is writing still my “thing”? Will my word resonate with someone?

Are all of the things I want far-fetched? Will this episode taint my happiness? Am I happy? If I can’t answer my own questions how can I answer someone else’s? It’s now 1:52 in the morning and I’m still up over thinking… I pray a dream catches me and bring some peace. I wonder if I’ll write way to deal with anxiety?

Isolate. Disconnect. Recharge.

Casting Call: Leading Role?

 Are you leading someone to believe that they’ll get the starring role in your love life when really they’re just an extra? Someone you have no intention on making it official with, but you want them around for conversation or what have you? If so then why?

 It’s ok to develop friendship, but once the conversations and vibe exceed the boundaries of a platonic friendship. Your both entering a dangerous territory especially if one does not have the intention of making the other their significant other. We set the tone for every relationship (business, personal etc) we decide to enter, if there are no clear boundaries set it leaves room for you to be put into an uncomfortable place.

I’m specifically talking about romantic relationship/friendships. Most of us should be in a place where we’re thinking long-term, finding one person to start a new chapter in life with so on and so forth. If you’re not at this point in life you’ll get there eventually, it doesn’t take long to determine if you see a friendship turning into something romantic or stay platonic, so why keep entertaining a strictly platonic relationship with romantic behavior? This is how people “catch feelings”.

Leading someone on with empty promises, knowing exactly what they want to hear and saying that to keep them from feeling the need to pursue someone else. That’s selfish and inconsiderate, you’re not concerned about how they feel as long as your needs are met. You get more points being honest and setting boundaries in the beginning verse stringing someone along with promises of becoming your special person.

If you find yourself being caught up as an extra in someone’s love story and there is no clear apparent path to you becoming their leading lady/man, I hope you understand how important you are to ever be someone’s extra. You are a star honey someone’s only co star, you shouldnt be looking for someone to test your water, look for someone to dive in and create beautiful waves.

   – Jay