Wild Thoughts (Literally)

I just recently wrote a letter to myself, in the letter I have about 40 unanswered questions, I’m not sure when I will open or if I should attach my current answers and compare the differences between my answers whenever I decide to open said letter. I’m debating if I should keep the letter on one of many Zip drives or just email it to myself, I’m thinking Zip drive because my OCD will not allow me to have an unopened email for more than a day.

I think right now I’m in a head space of reflection, I have questions brewing everyday, questions about my childhood, past relationship be it romantic or platonic, current relationship, friendship etc. the crazy thing is I feel as though I’m not at liberty to answer any of these questions because I don’t know what they mean/ what they’ll do for me. I’m detached from certain elements of myself and I’m not sure if the detachment is making room for growth of if I’m silently losing my mind.

I do notice no one really asks me what’s going on with the thoughts in my head, that’s why I don’t share them unless it’s on this platform and even then its only was on the surface at the moment; however, I continue to ask people if they’re okay or need to discuss something that’s on their minds because if left to your own thoughts for too long they can become destructive trust me I know. This is not to say I want someone to ask me now that they read this or what have you, I’m stating that at this moment in my life I’m being more observant than usual which isn’t an issue for me. I’m taking notice of small things that irritate me, make me laugh and smile, upset me or have me feeling indifferent.

This post is mainly for me to keep track of my thoughts because I’m too lazy to find my journal to keep this a private record, then I thought to myself that’s selfish someone somewhere might have similar thoughts as me, so what can I say to them that I in turn need to hear as well.

The answer is simple, There are no mistakes in life. You feel the way you do, struggle the way you do, prosper the way you do, think the way you do for a reason, it’s apart of your life’s purpose and I have to trust that it’ll all make sense and come together even if I don’t see it right now. So to you in the world if you feel like nothing makes sense right now, that in itself makes sense. I encourage everyone to write themselves a letter or write down questions and see where your mind takes you, you’ll be surprised by what it comes up with and if you feel like sharing you know where to email me.

-Jay

Troll Hunter

Written about me and I think is phenomenal and very realistic!, Thank you Shae

Young Black & Nerdy

It was 3am and all she could do was stare at the ceiling. She gave up trying to sleep at 2am when it was clear sleep wasn’t in her immediate future. All she could think about was how her day unfolded in such an unlikely manner. The internet isn’t typically a kind place when it comes to comment sections but today was different. The collection of vile that had gather below her most recent story was rarely seen outside of a Republican National Convention. You would have thought she praised satan the way they reacted. She didn’t get into journalism to deal with an out of control comment section and that’s what she ultimately spent most of her time doing. Her complaints to her editor always fell on deaf ears. Any time she complained he would simply respond “I get how annoying they are Jay but those angry people in…

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Overthinking at 1:23 AM

 

Anxiety successfully consumed my mind.

I want to talk about it but I don’t want to come off needy… I don’t need anything from anybody.
I don’t want to make anyone feel obligated to hear me rambling trying to scramble my thoughts together, that’s what it is 1,000 thoughts swarming in my brain consuming my mind creating an overwhelming leery feeling.

So what do I do? I don’t know. If the answer was that simple I wouldn’t be here shedding Denzel tears. I can’t dwell or I’ll sink into a mini depressed state and that draining, I don’t like being/feeling anything other than positive. I need to isolate and recharge, I’ve been putting out a lot of positive energy lately and I need that back.

I hate discussing anxiety episodes because it’s “oh yeah I felt like that but you need to do this” bitch if it was that ease I wouldn’t feel like this, did you ever consider that? I did not ask for your advice. Asking me multiple questions during an episode irritates me because if I knew in this moment I would tell you… offer reassurance not your opinion

It’s shocking seeing as I always have an answer for something, thinking multiple scenarios with multiple outcomes some greater than the other, all the while know that the lesser is more realistic. Acknowledging what it is from what you want it to be, my brain never sleeps I’m constantly thinking, constantly helping /shedding light on someone else’s situation, while keeping my life in the back of my mind. It gets draining I’m not going to lie, will writing this help me? Is writing still my “thing”? Will my word resonate with someone?

Are all of the things I want far-fetched? Will this episode taint my happiness? Am I happy? If I can’t answer my own questions how can I answer someone else’s? It’s now 1:52 in the morning and I’m still up over thinking… I pray a dream catches me and bring some peace. I wonder if I’ll write way to deal with anxiety?

Isolate. Disconnect. Recharge.

Casting Call: Leading Role?

 Are you leading someone to believe that they’ll get the starring role in your love life when really they’re just an extra? Someone you have no intention on making it official with, but you want them around for conversation or what have you? If so then why?

 It’s ok to develop friendship, but once the conversations and vibe exceed the boundaries of a platonic friendship. Your both entering a dangerous territory especially if one does not have the intention of making the other their significant other. We set the tone for every relationship (business, personal etc) we decide to enter, if there are no clear boundaries set it leaves room for you to be put into an uncomfortable place.

I’m specifically talking about romantic relationship/friendships. Most of us should be in a place where we’re thinking long-term, finding one person to start a new chapter in life with so on and so forth. If you’re not at this point in life you’ll get there eventually, it doesn’t take long to determine if you see a friendship turning into something romantic or stay platonic, so why keep entertaining a strictly platonic relationship with romantic behavior? This is how people “catch feelings”.

Leading someone on with empty promises, knowing exactly what they want to hear and saying that to keep them from feeling the need to pursue someone else. That’s selfish and inconsiderate, you’re not concerned about how they feel as long as your needs are met. You get more points being honest and setting boundaries in the beginning verse stringing someone along with promises of becoming your special person.

If you find yourself being caught up as an extra in someone’s love story and there is no clear apparent path to you becoming their leading lady/man, I hope you understand how important you are to ever be someone’s extra. You are a star honey someone’s only co star, you shouldnt be looking for someone to test your water, look for someone to dive in and create beautiful waves.

   – Jay

Are you Reflecting or Living in the Past?

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Welcome to 2017,

Where all of the things you were stressing over should no longer be a factor. If someone wronged you in 2016 let it go, Someone owes you money? Let it go, Someone broke your heart? Let it go. If you decide to harbor the actions of a situation that you had no control over, you’re giving power to negative energy and that negativity will begin to eat at you until your enthusiasm, peace, creativity, and self-love starts deteriorating.

This is the time in which we reflect on how well we’ve handled situations, which situations made is stronger and broke us down. Reflect on what made us feel uncomfortable and what kept us at ease, reflect on certain habits (Good and bad) and most important! Reflect on the lessons we’ve learned. Now there’s a difference between Reflection and Living in the past, in my opinion living in the past is exactly that. You’re constantly bringing up your past in every aspect of your life, not in the form of growth more so as a stagnant point in which you refuse to move from. All around it brings and unsettling negative vibe into your life, that could rub off on those who are around you.

Reflection on the other hand is much-needed especially if you’re on a journey of self-love and healing. I reflect on how I felt, where I was when I felt that why and then compare it to where I am now. It show me that the choices I am making are indeed the right ones, when you reflect on certain situations/circumstances you apply what you’ve learned from whatever happens to what you’re currently doing to make sure you have a different outcome. When you’re living in the past you hardly ever take the time to see what you’ve learned or what you’re willing to change. It’s easy for someone to tell you “You’ve grown so much” but until you yourself can acknowledge it it’ll mean nothing.

This week I want to encourage you all to reflect instead of saying “New Year, New Me” try New Year, BETTER Me”. Have a conversation with someone (or yourself) to look back and see how much you’ve grown! It’s the conversation in my opinion that determines if you have indeed grown as an individual. At the end you should say/hear “Wow I’m proud of the person you’re evolving into” verses “you’re still the same ole person”.

“Everybody looks at you strange saying you changed, like you worked that hard to stay the same” – Shawn Carter

I Wish you all a prosperous year, may you protect your peace, cultivate love and release creativity! You don’t need a New Year to evolve into who you already are, Just look inside and tap into it. I love you all

– Jay

Let’s Be Real.

 First and Foremost, I want to apologize for not posting when my goal for November was to push out more content. Let’s Be Real , life happens and honestly I’ve been going through a rough 2 weeks.

 I’ve acknowledged that I have a problem with dealing with my emotions when things bother me. I am actively working on not sweeping things under the rug and voicing how I feel, and it’s challenging as hell! When you always in the back of your mind felt like you’re bothering people by venting, or want to strictly vent and having someone tell you what you should/shouldn’t do. You have moments of weakness, I don’t want your advice I just need to vent before I go crazy and destroy all my hard work.

 For the past 2 weeks I have truly been tested emotionally and mentally, I’m not sure if I’m handling all the situations in the best way and that’s what’s scaring me. I know that I have to trust that the growth that I’ve made and the guidance that I’ve prayed for is leading me down the correct path. I had to seriously get real with myself and remember that the things that happen to you is not your karma, how you react to the situation is. Although I feel like I want to humble a few people, I must not allow people’s insecurities or situations to have control over my life, happiness, peace, and stability. I’ve come too damn far to ever let someone else be my downfall, with this being said I must redirect this negative vibe and turn it into something positive.

 I’m picking up my paint brush again and I’m also writing more poetry, because doing small things when I’m feeling down makes me happy. At the end of the day I am my number one priority! So thank you to all of my Evolving Cosmic Butterflies for reminding me that I’ve created a space in Doses of Jay where I could vent freely without judgement or feelings worsome. I needed get this off my chest, and I feel a lot better! I love you all

 *SN: if I started a podcast would you listen? Let me know in the comments.*

-Jay

23.

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Chosen by the Universe
Born November 6th 1993 prematurely.
Told all odds were against me 0.
I decided to beat the odds and achieve everything I could ever dream 0.

My twin died, I survived clearly for a reason 0.

Witness my uncle getting shot in front of me at 9 (he’s still alive but I lost it in that moment)

Lost the greatest part of me, I lost my Bestfriend my grandma 3 days after Christmas (mothers mom) at 11.

Lost another part of me (dads mom) 16.

I entered college at 18 (NCCU).

Placed in my first college pageant 19. 💙

Fell in love for the very first time at 19.

Heartbroken 19.

Realize that everything isn’t always how it seems ( I was very naive, people are fake as hell and love to paint a pretty picture. I’m not with the shits) 19-20.

Lost a best friend 21.

Slowly began losing myself and wilding out (nothing crazy you heathens) 21.

Chased a feeling of being in love rather than fall in love with a person 20-22.

Convinced I found my soul mate ✨ 21.

Hospital for what I later found out was anxiety 22

Depression and anxiety 22.

Complete Mental and Emotional Breakdown 22.

Panic attack number four convinced I was going to die on Christmas Eve 2015 ( this one was major) 22.

Moved to Georgia 22.

Cut off “friends” on my Journey of self-love and peace 22.

Started my Blog 🐛❤️ 22.

Gotten readers in over 18 countries and offers to collaborate with amazing bloggers and brands 22.

Highest views in a day 22.

Reached my goal of 2,000 views 22.

Reached my goal of 1,000 visitors 22.

My blog turned 1 years old 22.

Made connections networking 22.

I chose ME 22.

Needless to say 22 has been one hell of a chapter that I am gladly ready to end, only to begin chapter 23. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m no longer afraid to voice how I feel, to get my heart broken , to fall and get back up, to go after everything that I want and push through everything standing in my way. I am a light and voice in this world l, and I will use it and spread it accordingly.
Today I am 23 and I’m just getting started ❤️

*this was inspired by Solange Knowlés https://instagram.com/p/BHC8kgIgAwG/ *

November 4, 2016

img_6558 One year ago today, I decided to go on a journey of Inner Peace, Self Love and Self Motivation. While on this Journey, I made one specific dream my reality; Doses of Jay. I honestly had no real goal set for my blog, I just wanted to create a space to inspire and motivate others who may be going through a rough patch in life. To say ” I’m getting through it, So can you too! Let’s conquer this together”. It is important for my to shine a light on certain aspects of life, because it’s hard to see the good in situations where you feel as though everything is falling apart.

  Writing my first official post was so freeing, I felt as though I was taking my own advice and healing a part of my life that was so damaged.   https://dosesofjay.wordpress.com/2015/11/02/a-little-motivation-on-a-monday/ . I had to change the people around me so that I could asset what it was that I needed in order for me to elevate to the next level. Though my personal journey isn’t over, I’m happier with where I am and excited to continue on this path and I have my blog to track my growth!

  Doses of Jay has surpassed my expectations on an international level and I’m forever grateful and humble to have 4,197 subscribers in 20 countries and counting! The support is overwhelming, Thank you to everyone who has ever clicked on my link, shared, liked, commented etc. and Thank you to those who haven’t. My blog is growing along with myself and I couldn’t be more proud of myself!

 My goals going into year 2 is: Continuous growth. I want to branch out into doing my own podcast show, because I feel as though I have a lot more that I want people to hear and read. So expect new things from myself and my evolving brand.

So go subscribe so you’ll never miss your Doses of Jay your favorite Cosmic Butterfly.

Monthly Reflection.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for my lacking presence. How are you all supposed to get your Daily Dose if I’m not here to prescribe it? I had writers block that triggered my ADD, which means I had to re-center my focus. I also wanted to focus on my personal life so this break has done me well.

I began to incorporate monthly reflections into my daily routine, as a form of tracking my growth: mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Now, reflecting on where I was last year is not living in the past, it’s simply my way of giving credit where it’s due. I rarely pat myself on the back or give myself credit for anything but I’m working on it.

Being that it is now August of 2016, I felt that it was important for me to share this months reflection because last year (2015) during this month I pretty much publicly broke down (Via Twitter). I won’t go into specifics about what went on, However; I will let you all know that I lost myself, my passion, my will to live (my why). I fell so hard that I didn’t even know if I could ever stand again, but guess what? You know how you’re racing someone and you get to that last 100 meter mark and you get a random burst of energy?… That’s what happened to me, after I hit rock bottom and wallowed in my pity for a couple of weeks. I “recharged” and embarked on the greatest journey of my life (besides marriage and children; no I’m not married nor do I have children but you get the gist) The Journey of Self Love and Peace.

Though this journey for me will be a never-ending one, I’m evolving everyday and fall more in love with myself than I’ve ever been before! I found it necessary for me to reflect on how far I’ve come, So if I were to ever fall like that again I’ll already know what it takes to stand up again. Which is another reason why I started my blog, to motivate others and to track my progress! I hope you all are enjoying my journey and I wish you nothing but peace and prosperity in your individual journeys.

Reminder: A person who falls and gets back up is much strong than a person who never fell. Claim your confidence and get back up!

Peace and Prosperity, Jay.

Penny For Your Thoughts?

This Post Requires Your cooperation. Please Comment Below Your Answer To The Following Question:

What Have You Done For Yourself Lately?

*My Answer: I’ve Dedicated Everyday To Me! Meaning that every single day that I wake up, I do something that makes me happy and gets me two steps closer to achieving my goals. After realizing that I’m the only one standing in my way of happiness and success, I felt the need to look in the mirror (literally) and give myself a much-needed pep talk.

I no longer rely heavily on someone to make me happy or help with my success. So, when you see me and I’m “always busy”, you need to understand that for a long time I was my own dead weight.